Harry\'s Interveiw
by Katze
Summary: What an interview with HP people might be like if I hosted it. I have tweaked the personalitys more to my liking (well more humoureous). r/r please, if you don\\\'t i\\\'ll be very put out (-;
1. First Day

I own me, and nothing else in this fic. If I owned Harry Potter oh man would I be rich.  
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(you can see me sitting at a desk with ten empty chairs to the left)  
  
Katze: Hello and welcome to... er... um (makes up a name) TrueChat. For the next three days I will be interviewing the people Harry Potter is based on. I have with me Harry Potter, Hermi Granger, Ron, Ginny, George and Fred Weasley, Malfoy, Voldie-mort, Dummy-dore, and Cedric Diggory. (Katze is handed a piece of paper) Just a second this says Cedric's dead, when did that happen. *muttering* The gaul of him to disrupt my plans, rude boy. *back to normal* So we have nine guests today, first we'll meet Harry. (Harry walks on and sits down. He has a pill bottle and a bottle of gin)  
  
Harry: Howdy audience. Hi Kitty.  
  
Audience: Hi Harry!  
Katze: It's Katze you little git. It means 'cat' in German. Now we have the Weasleys.  
  
Audience: Hi Weasleys! (Ginny model walks, glances over her shoulder and bats her eyes and does a mini-wave, then sits down next to Harry; Ron sits down and waves; Fred stands in the doorway and George is nowhere to be seen)  
  
Katze: *quite perturbed* Fred sit down.  
  
Fred: *muttering* Boom! All gone! Ruined! Dead! No! Not that one George! No! No! No! No! *yells* Ahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!! (runs offstage)  
  
Katze: *still perturbed* Ron where's George? And what's wrong with Fred?  
  
Ron: Where should I start? Well two weeks ago Fred and George were making a new product when George put the wrong thing in the cauldron. Fred got to cover... but George... ugh it was horrible, the house blew up, George died, my schoolbooks were ruined *sob* and we have been camping out in the yard ever since.  
  
Ginny: And I look terrible!  
  
Katze: That brings a smile to my face, but you don't seem bothered that George died.  
  
Ron: Why should I? I didn't like him, he picked on me.  
  
Katze: Okay, now we have Hermi.  
  
Hermione: Humph. (sits down)  
  
Katze: Next is Malfoy. (Malfoy runs on)  
  
Malfoy:Gimme an M! |Audience: M!  
Gimme an A!|Audience: A!  
Gimme an L!|Audience: L!  
Gimme an F!|Audience: F!  
Gimme an O!|Audience: O!  
Gimme a Y!|Audience: Y!  
What's that spell?|Audience: MALFOY!  
How are all y'all doin'? (sits down)   
  
Katze: Unfortunately two of our guests have died, so that leaves two left and they are: Voldie-mort...  
  
Ron: *shrieking* Don't say that!  
  
Harry: What? Voldemort? (Ron nods)  
  
Katze: Voldie-mort, Voldie-mort, VOLDIE-MORT! (Ron shrinks back into his chair) Now as I was saying, There are two guests left: VOLDIE-MORT! (Ron screams like a girl) and Dummy-dore. (Voldemort and Dumbledore are brought out gagged and bound, and their wands are given to Katze) I'm sorry for any inconvenience to you but you would kill each other if we didn't take precautions. Now that everyone is settled in I would like to ask you a question. What do you think of your namesakes in the books? Starting with you Harry.  
  
Harry: To tell you the truth, Kitty (Katze grinds her teeth) I hated me in the books, but when I saw how true it was I went into a state of deep depression. The only thing that pulled me out of it was these nice little dohickies. (holds up his stuff and giggles weirdly)  
  
Katze: *slowly* That's a nice story.  
  
Harry: Tell me Kitty...  
  
Katze: Katze.  
  
Harry: Katze, did it come off that I was so bloody annoying? (Katze opens her mouth)  
  
Malfoy: Like Yea!  
  
Harry: *sob* pill time. (takes six pills and washes it down with gin, and he falls asleep)   
  
Katze: Okay next we have Ginny Weasley. Ginny?  
  
Ginny: I think my character is exactly like me. (looks at the camera, bats her eyes and speaks to it) I just want to say hi to all the guys out there, if you want to call me my number is... (Ron clamps his hand over her mouth and whispers something in her ear that makes her pout) Humph, my big ol' meanie brother says I can only talk about my character. Can you imagine? He is soooooooooooo rude!  
  
Ron: *sternly* About your character Ginny?  
  
Katze: *sulkily* That's my line.  
  
Ginny: OKAY... back to me! In real life I'm a little shyer, but I say what I feel. And I like Harry more. *sweetly* Harry dear... (Harry is still sleeping, and after Ginny pokes him a few times and he doesn't wake up, she pouts and crosses her arms)  
  
Katze: (faking a smile) That's wonderful Ginny. Ron?  
  
Ron: You know what? No you wouldn't. Harry and I weren't the best of friends, we just stuck together because no one else would be our friend. In the end Hermi brought us closer, now we're the greatest friend there ever were except on one subject (looks at Hermi). And I love studying, I don't freak out about it but I love it. Other than that my character is fairly accurate... oh and I'm a lot better looking then they say in the books. (winks at Hermi)  
  
Katze: (shaking head) Jus... jus... jus...just shut up! Now Hermi?  
  
Hermi: *very cross* Yes.  
  
Katze: (rolling eyes) What do you think of your character?  
  
Hermi: I think it's nice that she's called Hermione instead of Hermi.  
  
Katze: Got it you want to be called Hermi instead of Hermione.  
  
Hermi: *growl* Couldn't be any more different. If the book Hermione and me were lines we wouldn't cross.  
  
Katze: You mean you'd be parallel lines?  
  
Hermi: (glares at Katze) Yes. (goes crazy) *yelling* NO ONE... IS ALLOWED TO CORRECT ME!  
  
Katze: *yells back* OH REALLY? THEN HOW COME I HAVE A HIGHER IQ?  
  
Hermi: (breathing heavily) JUST YOU WATCH THIS! (she starts to Avada Kadavera the audience, but he spells bounce off the protective shield around them and hit Dumbledore and Voldemort. Finally she gives up and points the wand at her head)  
  
Ron: (runs and tries to leap between Hermi and her wand) NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!  
  
Hermi: AVADA KADAVERA!!!! (she dies)  
  
Ron: You! (points at Katze) You drove her to it! (lunges at Katze)  
  
Katze: *gleeful* This is what I've been waiting for. (point wand at Ron) Petrificus Totalus!   
  
Ron: *grunt* *grunt* *shriek* (FYI he's in the total body bind)  
  
Katze: *evil giggling* Your opinion Malfoy?  
  
Malfoy: *pleadingly* Why can't anyone just call me Draco? I did have a few quarrels with Harry but we're friends now; it's not like a bad guy in real life, only in the books. I admit that I did hang out with large, stupid kids but it was only because daddy said so. *sobbing* Why can't anyone love me? I'm very nice, really, I have bunny slippers!... I watch Barney!... I pet puppies!... I kiss babies!... I suck my thumb!...I wear Barbie Underwear! *mad* Forget that last one, or you die! *calms down* See I'm good I'll unbind Ron. (flicks his wand and Ron is free)  
  
Katze: And your character?  
  
Malfoy: I hate it *sniff* down to the platinum blonde hair.  
  
Katze: You have platinum blonde hair.  
  
Malfoy: *sniff* Do you have to remind me?   
  
Katze: *cruelly* Yes. (Malfoy starts to bawl loudly)  
  
Ginny: What about me! Talk about ME!  
  
Katze: (pointing wands at Ginny and Malfoy) Shut up you whiny children! (Malfoy stops bawling, and Ginny resumes pouting)  
  
Malfoy: (snaps) I didn't want to be on this stupid show. I wanted to be a cheerleader! (rips off his robes to reveal a small cheerleader outfit)  
  
Ginny: ME TOO! (she rips off her robes to reveal a Dallas Cowboy's cheerleader outfit)  
  
Malfoy+Ginny: Rah rah sisboomba! Gooooooooo team! (they do a victory dance)  
  
Harry: Oh the humanity! (Ron faints)  
  
Katze: Avada Kadavera! (Malfoy dies) *sniggering*  
  
Ginny: Hey! We made a good team. (Ron recovers)  
  
Ron: Ginny, NEVER EVER do that again! (Ginny pouts yet again)  
  
Harry: Here Ron take a swig o' this. (takes a drink, then offers it to Ron and falls asleep)   
  
Ginny: Oh my poor dearest Harry!  
  
Katze: (nasty glint in her eyes) Stop it now Ginny! I am so sick of you. You were nice in the book but now, Auuggghhhh!!!!!  
  
Neville: (runs on) Bad news Fred killed himself!  
  
Ginny: Oh no! Not my bestest brother Fred! (starts to hex Neville when he runs off) *sniff* My bestest *sniff* brother. *sniff* Why him?  
  
Katze: (walks up to Ginny breaks her wand and throws her out the window) Oh good that just had to be done.  
Ron: Yes! *faking sorrow* Boo hoo, boo hoo poor Ginny, I'm so sad.  
  
Harry: (waking up) Ron?  
  
Ron: What?  
  
Harry: Could you move over a few steps?  
  
Ron: 'Kay. (moves over)  
  
Harry: Exipilliarmus! (Ron flies out the window and his wand lands neatly on Katze's desk)  
  
Katze: Harry! That was uncalled for!  
  
Harry: *sulkily* But everyone else was doin' it.  
  
Katze: No they weren't. Since you are the only one left, and I'm getting sick of you, I challenge you to a duel.  
  
Harry: I accept. (Katze and Harry face each other)  
  
Katze: Exipilliarmus!  
Harry: Avada Kadavera! (Harry is thrown backwards into the wall and knocked unconscious, but Katze is unscathed. Katze walks away and Harry wakes up and tries again) Avada Kadavera! (this doesn't have any effect, but it makes Katze turn around)  
  
Katze: I never liked you Potter, now you're acting like a cowardly jerk. Avada Kadavera! (Harry dies) *maniacal laughter* Oh I got to start calling people to come tomorrow, bye. (walks offstage, the lights are dimmed. You can hear the voices of all the people who died fighting over who gets to haunt Katze. There is a sound like a big fight, then all of a sudden the camera is hit and falls to the ground and turns off)  
  
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No I do not believe in ghosts, they only make the story funnier. I posted something a lot like this only a while back, but when I wanted to change it bit I had to do it all over. It's new and improved, and has two more chapters written, but not revised or typed. r/r please... oh come on... pahweese!   



	2. Second Day (insanity reins)

Disclaimer: Yada yada yada, I own nothing, yada yada yada.  
  
  
Katze: Hello and welcome to the second day of TrueChat with Harry Potter. Today we will not have a live audience; we will have a soundman. In accordance with yesterdays *cough* surcomstances, I have with me ten new guests and none of them are dead *quietly* yet. We have Professor Trelawney...  
  
Trelawney: *spookily* Yes?  
  
Katze: *impatient* Go away, you're not to come out yet.  
  
Trelawney: *muttering* Shoot, my entrance is ruined. (she takes a seat)  
  
Katze: And we have Neville Longbottom, Percivil Weasley, Arthur Weasley, Dudley Dursley, Luicus Malfoy, Professor Minevera Mcgonagal, Viktor Krum, Cho Chang, and Lavender Brown. First we will meet Mr. Weasley. (Mr. W on)  
  
Mr. W: (points to the camera) What's that?  
  
Katze: That's a camcorder.  
  
Mr. W: A muggle toy?  
  
Katze: *annoyed* Yes.  
  
Mr. W: *ecstatic* What's it do?  
  
Katze: *gritting teeth* It makes moving pictures.  
  
Mr. W: Really? Does it have a plug?  
  
Katze: No.  
  
Mr. W: *sad but then brightens up* Can I have it anyway?  
  
Katze: No way Jose.  
  
Mr. W: *indignant* My name is Arthur.  
  
Katze: (gives Mr. W a horrible, nasty look and he sits down and is quiet) And now Dudley. (Dudley on (he has a camcorder))  
  
Mr. W: Can I have that?  
  
Dudley: Sure, If you give me your stick, they took mine from Smeltings. (Mr. W gladly trades) Ico Defarmbo! (he loses an eyebrow) Cool!  
  
Trelawney: (at the same time as Katze) That will bring danger to you.  
Katze: And now back to ME! (pause) Shut up Trelawney. We meet Percivil. (Percy on)  
  
Percy: *stuck up* Oh, you HAVE to meet me! (Mr. W turns on the camcorder and starts taping)  
  
Katze: *sarcastic* Yes, we all know you are soooo wonderful. Our next guest, Mr. M. (Mr. M on)  
  
Mr. M: I heard that some people are calling my boy a sissy. I would like to say that he ain't, and that's that. (he sits down and hits his squirming thigh pocket, and whispers to it) I'll feed you later.  
  
Katze: Great I'm stuck with a bunch of loonies. Now Vicky. (Krum on)  
  
Krum: *his weird accent* My name is not Vicky, it is Viktor. But you may call me Krum.  
  
Katze: 'Kay Crummy. (Krum sits) Now we have the pleasure to meet someone who *cough* did NOT see what happened yesterday, RIGHT Neville? (Neville on)  
  
Neville: *nervous* Yes, yes, ma'am... just what you said ma'am.  
  
Katze: (nasty smile) Of course, that's because I'm always right. Now we meet the one... the only... dumb blonde, ditz-for-brains. (Lavender on)  
  
Lavender: Krum! Can I have your autograph?! Professor Trelawney! Any new predictions?!  
  
Trelawney: I foresee that I will die at (enter time that she dies here)  
  
Lavender: *sad* Oh no!  
  
Trelawney: But that's not for awhile.  
  
Lavender: *happy* Good!  
  
Trelawney: But I will die.  
  
Lavender: *sobs* So I'll never see you again?!  
  
Trelawney: I'll be a ghost so you can talk to me.  
  
Lavender: *happy* Oh goodie! I nearly forgot!  
  
Katze: Lav, are you able to shut up? I'm getting upset, and that's a VERY bad thing. (Lavender sits)  
  
Mr. W: *exited* Pictures, that keep changing! I have to show Molly!  
  
Katze: We now meet Cho Chang. (Cho walks on carrying Cedric's dead body)  
  
Cho: Now Cedric, you didn't eat your vegetables. Remember what I said? (listens) No! I can't believe I put up with you, you don't make your bed , you never pick up after yourself, and you can't stand up strait.  
  
Dudley: (sneeze) Ah shoo hoo! (a sundae appears in front of him) Cool! Hey Cho, did you know he's dead?  
  
Cho: He... he's not dead... can't be... sings me to sleep... (closes her eyes) Lullaby and goodnight de de de da la la dum, da da de da da de dum la la la la de doe.  
  
Katze: *sigh* What I have to put up with. Meet Professor Mcgonagal. (Mcgonagal on)  
  
Mcgonagal: PARTY!  
  
Katze: What???????!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Mcgonagal: Raise the roof, we got to get a party goin'!  
  
Katze: I thought you were stern and serious.  
  
Mcgonagal: Dude! That's only when Dummy's around. But he's dead, so whooo hoo Party!  
  
Lavender: A party! Where?! I wanna go to a party!  
  
Katze: Lav, you are a pain in the neck.  
  
Lavender: *puzzled* How can I be a pain in your neck?!  
  
Katze: (trying hard to ignore Lavender) Because we have all new people here today. I will ask the first question again, and it is: what do you think of your character in the book? Starting with Mr. Weasley.  
  
Mr. W: Say, "Cheese!"  
  
Katze: *ornery* Gouda!  
  
Mr. W: *annoyed* No! Say, "Cheese!"  
  
Katze: Mr. Weasley, tell us what you think.  
  
Mr. W: This is so cool!  
  
Katze: Arrggggggg!!!!!!! Take him away, bring him back when he's ready to talk. (two large men with dark sunglasses and black suits grab Mr. W and drag him offstage) Dudley?  
  
Dudley: (his mouth is full of sundae) 'hat 'o 'o 'ant? (Cho snaps her fingers)  
  
Cho: What happened to my fingers? Cedric, are you playing a trick on me? (pause) Then who did? (pause, then she points at Dudley) Him? No he didn't, you did. It was funny Cedric. *giggle*   
  
Katze: I want to know about your character.  
  
Dudley: They make me out to be a bad person; I blame my parents, no I blame the writer. By the way who wrote the Harry Potter books?  
  
Katze: Joanne Kathleen Rowling.  
  
Dudley: Well I think she's *sniff* mean. I'm not that fat or ugly, but if I was I would blame society.   
  
Katze: Percivil? What do you think?  
  
Percy: Oh, my character is almost perfect. It works hard, like me; gets good grades, like me; is good and perfect, just like me. But in a few ways doesn't add up to my perfectness.   
  
Katze: (rolls eyes) *quietly* What an egotist. *louder* I thought the Percivil in the book was too smarmy.  
  
Percy: Ha ha ha, that's funny. Would you like to hear about all the wonderful deeds? Okay! Well then, I have captured a dragon that Charlie couldn't and I ... (he rambles on and on and on in the background)  
  
Katze: (rolls her eyes again) What about you Mr. M?  
  
Mr. M: I have to...  
  
Trelawney: (interrupting) I will die in 5... 4... 3... 2... oh well, Avada Kadavera! (she dies)  
  
Lavender: Professor! Professor Trelawney! (start crying and runs around the room until she goes out the window, Katze sniggers)  
  
Neville: *screaming like a girl* Not again!!  
  
Katze: *interrogatingly* It never happened before. Right Neville?   
  
Neville: *nervous* Sorry, I forgot. Never ever happened. I'm so stupid, to think it happened.  
  
Mr. M: As I was saying before the interruption. I have to say this: my son is not a sissy nor is he gay. He's a freak... that's it a freak of nature.  
  
Katze: Did you understand what I said? I asked about YOUR character.  
  
Mr. M: I am a mean man, I hate my kid (a few people look puzzled), I abuse my slaves, I don't feed my pets so I can watch them die. I AM EVIL AND CRUEL! MEAN AND NASTY!  
  
Katze: So we will get along just fine.  
  
Mr. M: It depends on what house you were in.  
  
Percy: (stops telling about himself) Ah, the houses at Hogwarts, people from the same house bond a lot better. (resumes speaking about himself)  
  
Katze: The house I was in was my house. (all gasp) Oh come on its not THAT weird! It's not weird at all.  
  
Mr. M: *snootily* Then we will not get along.  
  
Katze: Then you're a stuck up, stupid, egotistic, rude, putrid, bigoted, idiotic, (beep) jerk!  
  
Mr. M: *offended* Hey! I am not!  
  
Katze: You are too!  
  
Mr. M: Am not!  
  
Katze: Are too!   
  
Mr. M: Am not!  
  
Katze: Are too!  
  
Mr. M: Am not!  
  
Katze: Are too!  
  
Mr. M: Am not!  
  
Cho: Stop acting like children, you're bugging Cedric, right Cedric? (she nods his head) See?  
  
Katze: (pouts) I don't like him because he IS a stuck up, stupid, egotistic, ru...  
  
Cho: Cedric says you should forgive and forget.  
  
Katze: Avada Kadavera! (Mr. M dies) *singing* Another one's gone, and another one's down, and another one bites the dust, yea! Okay, I will forgive myself for ever letting that stuck up...(etc.) on my show, and I will forget all about him. Now, Crumble?  
  
Krum: Can't anyvone pronounce my name right?  
  
Katze: You couldn't pronounce Hermione.  
  
Krum: Vhere is Herm-oh-ninny? I really liked her. (pause) Vith you! No not zat! (pause) I did too give you my autograph! And I did not steal your girl, Ron! Stop haunting me, I did not kill you! (pause) *surprised* Harry did? But vhy me? Vhy haunt me?  
  
Katze: Ron you can stop now, you're doing more than I told you to.  
  
Krum: You told him to! I hate you!  
  
Katze: *breathing sharply* Don't make me mad, you won't like it if I get mad. Sit still and shut up and you won't get hurt. (Krum obeys very speedily) Neville?  
  
Neville: *very, very, very nervous* It's just right. And I think Katze is being very nice to me *whispering* because she didn't kill me. *normal* And I think I going to leave now, may I miss?  
  
Katze: No you mayn't, and of course I'm being nice I always act like that.  
  
Percy: (looking at himself in a mirror) Aren't I so gorgeous and handsome.  
  
Katze: No. You're uglier then a squished spider.  
  
(in the background | Ronghost: Eekk! A spider! Where?! |Trelawneyghost: Ron after you're dead you have to make a good example. |Ronghost: *sulkily* I've been dead longer, so I should be in charge.)   
  
Percy: I'll make me taller, the taller the handsomer. (at the same time as Dudley) Puli Heighterus!  
Dudley: Insecto! (these two spells combine to make Percy a fly)  
  
Percy: *buzz* Heeelp me! *buzz* Heeeeelp! *buzz* (Percy is flying around Dudley's head)  
  
Katze: *giggle* Dudley, I don't like flies. Swat that one for me, will you? (Dudley swats the Percy-fly and Percy dies) Now what do you think Professor Mcgonagal?  
  
Mcgonagal: I think we need a disco ball. Disco-Balli Makerus! (a disco-ball appears and falls on Mcgonagal because it wasn't attached to the ceiling)  
  
Cho: See Cedric. That's what happens when you don't pay attention when you perform spells.  
  
Krum: SHUT UP CHO! CAN'T YOU SEE HE'S DEAD????????????  
  
Katze: *acting hurt* I told you to be quiet, I was nice, and warned you. (gives a very convincing puppy- dog face) But you can't be polite can you? *fake, sniff* You are so mean, Gequit! (Krum shrinks)  
  
Cho: Cedric is wondering what that did.  
  
Katze: It's a simple spell that makes the victim shrink until they can no longer breath oxygen and then they suffocate, or it might just make them shrink until they can't shrink anymore then they stop existing. I'm not sure which it is, because they are so small.  
  
Neville: *sarcastic* That's lovely. (while he is talking Harry, a Poltergeist, flies in and grabs Dudley and goes out the window. Peter (who was in Mr. M's pocket) turns human and runs after Harry, and not knowing that the window was broken, falls out it. Harry laughs at this and drops Dudley, and zooms off)  
  
Katze: *snigger snigger snigger* That was some show.  
Neville: Help!  
  
Cho: (running over to the window with Cedric) Murder!  
  
Katze: It was bound to happen. Now on to the next part of the show... (Neville makes a run for it when Katze isn't looking. He runs in front of Cho who makes a little squeak because he steps on her toe. That grabs Katze's attention and she sends a body-bind curse to him, but it misses him and hits Cedric who stiffens, this sends him and Cho out the window. Neville gets away in the confusion) Darn! Now I have to get ten, no nine new people for tomorrow. Got to go and make some calls. Bye bye. (Katze walks off)  
  
  
Oh well, all but Neville are dead. So what the next one is even better (so I think) and I had to kill them or else I couldn't have those people. I have the next part written but not typed, maybe I do have it typed and I want you to wait, I have the power to make you wait, Bwaaaaa haaaaaa haaaaaa haaaaaa!!!!!!  
  
What do you think? Tell, tell me true, I love it when people do, so plea-ee-ee-se read and review. Oh oh read and review. :)  



	3. Third (the lst day)

If I owned this I wouldn't be writing fan fiction.   
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Katze: Hello and welcome to another day TrueChat with Harry Potter characters. Today we will not have an audience; there will be a soundman. We have nine new people with us and, Mr. Sneak Away, Neville Longbottom. Our new guests are: Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, Charlie Weasley, Serverus Snape, Crabbe (hey what's this dudes name?), Professor Sprout, Flour Delacour, Rubis Hagrid, and since I couldn't think of any more my friend Gabriel King. First we meet Neville... (Neville on)   
  
Neville: How are you today? Would you like a cup of tea?   
  
Katze: A cup of tea that would hit the spot.   
  
Neville: If I didn't know better, I might think you're going soft.   
  
Katze: *menacingly* If you think that then you are DEAD wrong!   
  
Neville: I think I shall go get the tea. (runs off fast)   
  
Katze: That was weird. Now we have Crabbe. (Crabbe on)   
  
Crabbe: Doh-hee, do I sit here? (points to chair next to Katze)   
  
Katze: Oh fine. (Crabbe sits) Now come out Lupin. It's fine the curtains are closed. (Lupin on)   
  
Lupin: *quietly* Do they know that I'm a *very quiet* werewolf?   
  
Katze: Well duh! Everyone knows that. You even have fans because you are one, you want me to name a few.   
  
Lupin: No thank you.   
  
Katze: And my friend Reah (Reah on)   
  
Reah: (shaking hands) Hello, long time since I saw you.   
  
Katze: Before the show. (cracks up)   
  
Reah: (starts to shake Crabbe's hand but decides not to because he is picking his nose, so she shakes hands with Lupin) So you are the famous Lupin.   
  
Lupin: Yes. And how are you?   
  
Reah: *nicely* I'm fine thank you. (Lupin smiles)   
  
Katze: Cut that out! Now we have Snape. (Snape on)   
  
Snape: Hey! How are y'all doin'. I have a real good joke, here it is: Why shouldn't you go in the jungle between two and four in the afternoon?   
  
Katze: Why?   
  
Snape: Because that's when the elephants are jumping out of the trees. (Katze chuckles) Now why are the pigmies so short?   
  
Katze: Because they went in the jungle between two and four in the afternoon! *chuckle* That's a joke sheep would like.   
  
Lupin: *very puzzled* Why?   
  
Katze: Because it's baaad. (silence) Honestly you people need a sense of humour. *bad mood* Fine you guys can be party poopers. BLACK GET OUT HERE! (Black on)   
  
Black: Please treat me like the person I am! So what if I'm a cereal ki... (Katze gives him a nasty look and he sits down)   
  
Katze: (looks at paper) I'm sorry, yesterday I said Lavee was the only ditz-for-brains. I stand corrected there is Miss Delacour.   
  
Flour: (walking on) I couldn't get all my makeup on in time.   
  
Reah: *disgusted* You're wearing about six inches of makeup.   
  
Flour: *frantic* But it's not enough. Need... more... MAKEUP! (starts to search her purse throwing everything that's not makeup)   
  
Katze: (makes the sign for crazy) Now our next guest is Charlie Weasley. (Charlie on)   
  
Charlie: *sounds like the croc hunter* Can't stay for long. I got to back to my wonderful dragons.   
  
Katze: 'Kay. Now Hagrid. (Hagrid comes on with a dragon)   
  
Charlie: Oh what a beaut! Where'd you get 'er 'agid? She must be a twenty footer. (Hagrid and Charlie start to wrestle the dragon to the ground)   
  
Katze: And now to introduce our last guest Professor Sprout. (Sprout on)   
  
Sprout: Hello! How are you? Any ailments? If you do I have some *snigger* medicine.   
  
Katze: Finally a normal set of people. Crabbe what do you think of your character?   
  
Crabbe: I dink it good.   
  
Katze: What is your first name?   
  
Crabbe: (blushes) Mildred.   
  
Katze: What's 6x6?   
  
Crabbe: Mac and Cheese?   
  
Katze: What is Pi?   
  
Crabbe: Pie yummy.   
  
Snape: Don't you think you should ask questions he can answer?   
  
Katze: *meanly* Okay Crabbe, what is the air speed velocity of an unladean swallow?   
  
Black: African or European?   
  
Katze: Both.   
  
Crabbe: The African is *beep*, and the European is *beep*.   
  
Katze: *very mad* Hey soundman what do think you're doing?   
  
Soundman: It wasn't me... (Katze stalks off) really... no... I didn't! Ahhrrrgggg!! (Katze walks on with a sound system)   
  
Katze: We don't have to worry about him anymore. I always wanted one of these. Crabbe, repeat what you said.   
  
Crabbe: The African is *beep*, and the European is *beep*.   
  
Katze: (realizing) The sensor-guy! (walks off again)   
(offstage. Katze: What were doing? |Sensor-guy: No one is supposed to know the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow. *zap* Now I took it out of his memory. AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!| Katze walks back) He he he ha ha ha. Now Lupin?   
  
Lupin: Since everybody knows that I'm a werewolf there is not much to tell. Except that I'm a bit shy and I like to eat dead rats after lunch.   
  
Black: You never told me that, Yuck!   
Flour: Zat is so sick!   
Snape: *shudder* Figures.   
Sprout: Blech!   
Charlie: Gross!   
Katze: EWWWWWWW!!!!!!!   
  
Reah: Actually its common for werewolves, especially around the full moon.   
  
Lupin: Oh good! I was afraid that it was weird.   
  
Katze: It is weird, and it is soo revolting!   
(Reah pats Lupin on the back)   
  
Reah: It's okay. She didn't get any sleep last night.   
  
Lupin: Thanks. (smiles at her)   
  
Katze: Quit it, that's enough to make me sick.   
  
Flour: I zink it's zo romantic.   
  
Katze: Its time for Reah to tell us about herself.   
  
Reah: My name is Gabriel, I'm an American witch. I went to the California School for Witches. I'm 28. I don't use a wand much. And um some people say I'm very pretty, but it can't be true.   
  
Lupin: Oh its true!   
  
Katze: What did I just say? Now about you Snape? Just a second, where's Neville? (everyone ignores her)   
  
Snape: They make a big deal about my appearances. You're nose would be crocked if someone (looks at Black) kept braking it. And I was a sickly child so of course my skin would be very white. And I live for a good joke. Ooo ooo I have another one: What's brown and sticky?   
  
Flour: (finds a stick of lipstick) Lipstick!   
  
Snape: No! Are you really sure you want to know? (hesitant nods) Okay... its... a... STICK!! (Katze groans)   
  
Katze: Black?   
  
Black: What?   
  
Katze: It says here that you are a CEREAL killer.   
  
Black: *crazily* So what? So what if I eat my cereal very cruelly? You have, I bet, eaten your cereal just knowing that you are killing innocent cereal. One of my favorite things to do is strangling those little O's.   
  
Katze: I take back what I said before. Now Flour?   
  
Flour: I'm finished, how do I look?   
  
Black: Beautiful!   
Charlie: Ravishing!   
  
Katze: Flour you have on WAY too much makeup. You should take some off, It makes you look like a *sigh* hooker.   
  
Flour: That sounds nice.   
  
Katze: Its not, trust me.   
  
Flour: Why should I trust you? You've killed a bunch of people.   
  
Katze: Avada Kadavera! (Flour dies)   
  
Black: Too bad, she was cute.   
  
Katze: (rolls her eyes) Guys.   
  
Black: What's that supposed to mean?   
  
Katze: Nothing. Charlie?   
  
Charlie: Can't talk now, we got to wrestle 'er to the ground. Oh what a beaut! She's fightin' 'ard. 'agrid look out! (a burst of flame, and Hagrid is reduced to ashes) Crikey that was nasty. (the dragon starts to fly out the window, Charlie jumps on its back) I'm gonna take 'er back to my 'ouse, where she'll live in a simula'ed dragon paradise. (the dragon flies out the window, once its cleared the building Charlie falls off) Crikey this is gonna 'urt! (after the curtain opens Lupin transforms and bite Reah just as Sprout gets the curtains closed)   
  
Reah: What is it with werewolves? Do I have werewolf candy on my ankles?   
Lupin: I'm sorry! I'm really sorry!   
  
Reah: What's this the fourth time?   
Lupin: Really sorry! Huh? You're a werewolf?   
  
Reah: Yep.   
  
Lupin: Why didn't you transform?   
  
Reah: I make a pill that stops all the unpleasant things. You want to try one?   
  
Lupin: Please. (she tosses him a pill. and he gives her a kiss on the cheek, they both blush) Thank you so much.   
  
Katze: *really ticked* Just stop that will you! This is not a romance, its humour! And that's that!   
  
Crabbe: Doh-hee do I'd get to answer anudder question?   
  
Katze: No not just yet, we have one more person. Sprout?   
  
Sprout: My character is fairly accurate, we both love plants. But the plants I love are poisonous ones. The simple joys of slipping those little weeds into people's foods and watching them keel over and die. *quietly* Shoot I wasn't going to say that.   
  
Katze: Okay we're done with that part and now on to the next bit. I'm going to ask a question and I want a few answers.   
First question: What do you think of the other people?   
  
Snape: I don't think any of them has a sense of humour like mine.   
  
Katze: The only people I know with a sense of humour like yours are 10-year-old boys.   
  
Snape: Is that an insult?   
  
Black: I sure hope so!   
  
Katze: *cough* Just answer my question.   
  
Crabbe: I dink day are to smart for deir own good.   
  
Snape: Too smart for my own good, eh?   
Too smart for my own good, eh?   
Too smart for my...   
  
Katze: Will you shut up Snape?   
Second Question: What do you think of me?   
  
Crabbe: Mean.   
Lupin: Weird.   
Black: Crazy.   
Snape: Sadistic.   
Sprout: Interesting.   
Reah: A strange friend.   
  
Katze: So none of you like me?   
  
Black: Not really.   
  
Katze: Then... you... will... pay...   
  
Reah: Can we have some more questions?   
  
Katze: What's your least favorite part of the books?   
  
Sprout: Any bit with Harry in it.   
  
Black: Any part with Snape in it.   
  
Snape: When Cedric died.   
  
Katze: Why?   
  
Snape: Well he was *mumble*.   
  
Katze: (puts her head in her hand) Ah great. Now what was your favorite part?   
  
Sprout: Any part with me poisoning people.   
  
Reah: The bit about the Shrieking Shack.   
  
Crabbe: I liked when I was smart.   
  
Black: That wasn't you, that was Ron when he looked like you.   
  
Crabbe: *stubbornly* I liked when I was smart.   
  
Katze: (still with head in hand)Please answer.   
  
Black: I loved it when I saved Buckbeak. It showed how brave I am.   
  
Katze: What does Abracadabra do?   
  
Crabbe: Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!   
  
Lupin: No one died!   
  
Katze: Of course dummy, I didn't say Avada Kadavera! (Snape dies) Whoops.   
  
Reah: At least we can't blame you for that one.   
  
Katze: What do you mean? Have you been spying on me?   
  
Reah: *uncomfortable* No but Neville was telling us things.   
  
Black: Yea, he said you threw Ginny out the window.   
  
Katze: That little backstabber. (walks over to Black and breaks his wrist) That's for spreading lies!   
  
Black: *whimpering* I want my mummy!   
  
Sprout: Here take this (hands him an herb) it'll ease your pain. (Black looks blank) It'll make your owie better. (Black takes it and eats it. Almost immediately Black keels over and dies)   
  
Katze: Sprout!   
  
Sprout: What?   
  
Katze: Never mind I didn't like him. Where is Neville? (Neville sneaks up behind her)   
  
Neville: Here I am! (Katze turns around) Exipilliarmus! (Katze flies out the window. A muffled word is spoken and Katze flies up to the window and starts to climb in and hits her head on the casement and falls unconscious into the room)   
  
Crabbe: Yah hoo! The meanie is sleepy! (takes a chair and hits Sprout over the head with it and Sprout falls to the ground unconscious) Now de udder meanie is sleepy!   
  
Reah: Let's get out of here before they wake up. (Crabbe and Neville run out fast, but Lupin and Reah stroll out hand in hand)   
  
Katze: (waking up as the last person gets out the door)*sigh* Well this is the third and last day of TrueChat with HP characters.   
  
------------------------------------------------------------------   
  
Okay just a few last parting thoughts, Reah's my character and you can't have her; you should probably read the first two chapters if you haven't already; I am not really truly a evil little weirdo; look for new installments of TrueChat; and r/r if you want. Please want to, I feed on feedback. Want to or else! Ha ha ha ha.   
  
Thanks to all those nice people who r/r ed my first two.


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